Faith

I suffer from depression. My last downward spiral was the worst I have ever experienced. I felt I had a nervous breakdown, for lack of a better term. I cut off all communication that was not absolutely needed to be sure my children survived each day. I spent two months living in any world that was not my own. I read tons of books and watched lots of TV shows and movies. Anything to distract myself from the gaping hole in my heart.
When I felt myself beginning to spiral, it was like being on the edge of a cliff.

Teetering on the edge of a cliff.

Screaming inside for help.

I prayed that God would save me.

He didn't.

I fell.

I broke.

Everything that previously mattered to me fell apart. I pushed everyone away especially God. After all if He had saved me like I asked I wouldn't be broken. I could no longer trust my creator with my heart. I had no faith. I simply existed with no hope for the future and no reason to think anything would every get better.

Sad? You don't know the half of it. It's like someone punched a hole in my chest, inserted a black hole and turned up the juice. There was nothing left.

Or at least that was what I thought.

After months of putting up with my crap, my husband called me out on it. It was not fun. Depression is at the core a disease of selfishness, so the last thing I was doing was thinking about anyone else, aside from feeding the children. We had some difficult talks. He knew I was unhappy, but did not know the full extent because I refused to share anything with anyone. Eventually I described my breakdown and the resulting mess inside of me. He suggested talking to someone about it. I refused. This went on for another several weeks. I'm a really stubborn person and for some bizarre reason I hold on to pain like it's my best friend. Smart? Not so much. As was inevitable, things came to a head and I finally agreed to go see a therapist. My reason for agreeing was simple, if I went, it would make David happy. I have a hard time with him being unhappy with me. I could care less if the rest of the world hated me, but I need his good opinion.

I went to therapy, I spoke with a nice lady who was really good at her job. I felt like it was okay to say anything. I admitted things to her that I have never admitted to anyone. And miracle that she is, she took it in stride and did not judge. That was just what I needed. We talked and she helped me hear myself describe my relationship with my parents in the exact same words as my relationship with God. Basically, I felt like I was worthless. I felt like I was one out of so many that I didn't matter. I didn't feel loved by God or by them. As an adult with a (hopefully) fully developed brain, I know that is not true. My parents love me and always have. But knowing something and feeling it are not the same thing.

I left that first session with the assignment to ponder on this dual relationship situation. I'm an introverted person. So spending time talking about deeply personal things wore me out for a few days. Once I had recovered enough for my brain to try and ponder I did. I do lots of pondering when I go out and walk or jog in the mornings alone. One morning about a week after the session, I got an epiphany.

Here was my thought train - I'm so screwed up - How did I get here? - Childhood bullying, check - naturally introverted personality, check - married for infatuation because a hot guy actually liked me, huh - If I married for the wrong reason, where was the love? - Have I ever loved him? Do I love him now? - I want to love him - Love is a choice. - I choose to love him - How do I love him? - I have to love me first - Can't give away what you don't have to start with - I don't love me, nobody does - Why would anyone love me, I'm worthless - I am always messing up and failing at life - I'm like the sinners in the scriptures - Wait, God loved them - They were screwing up and He loved them, he tried to help them and forgive them - I'm not seriously sinning, just more of a neglecting kind of thing - Maybe if God can love those who are doing really bad stuff, he can love me regardless of the fact that I am always failing - God could love me just because I exist and not because I am being a perfect Mormon girl.

This might not be news to anyone else, but it was for me. I honestly thought I had to do something in order to deserve to be loved. I had to be doing all the righteous stuff, and trying really hard, and being that ideal Mormon mother, wife, sister, member. If I fell short of that requirement, I was no longer worth being loved. I felt a literal weight lift off my shoulders once I processed the thought. I didn't have to do anything for God to love me and if he could love me, then others can love me too.

I shared this with my husband and my friend (I only have one). They both assured me that my line of thought was correct and God does indeed love those who fall short. For the first time in months for sure, and maybe longer, I felt hope. You can never know how dark it is to be without hope unless  you have actually been without it.

I went to another therapy session and shared what I had learned. My therapist asked me to think of what I had learned in another way.

My thought: God loves me simply because I exist.
Her thought: I exist because God loves me. His love created me.

I'm still trying to really understand her thought and it has been a few weeks.

Going with the concept either way, the bottom line is that God loves me. So if I can choose to believe that I have to reconcile that with my breakdown. If God loved me even then, then why didn't he help me? I never expected a huge miracle, I just wanted to feel like I wasn't alone. I wanted to be reaching out and feel like he took my hand and pulled me to safety. I have been bitter and angry for months that I was denied that. Here is how I have found peace with that.

I have to pay attention to the moments I get clarity of thought. It doesn't happen a lot, but I think, that just maybe, it might be the spirit trying to help me figure this out.

Today I recalled several things:
-During Stake Conference Adult Session, last week thoughts came to me during one of the talks. The talk was about not shutting out the lord, something that was said triggered me to think that during my breakdown I was expecting a "Mormon" experience. I was expecting what the culture of the church told me I was supposed to expect of God, instead of actually relying on the Lord. (I have really big issues with the culture of the church, as I am just recently learning, but it should never be confused with the gospel itself. The Gospel is true. Green jello with fruit chunks, self-deprecation and having your 4 year old perfectly coiffed for church, are not true.)
-A sacrament meeting talk, from a few months ago, during which someone mentioned something about a gardener and a bush, wherein the gardener cut the bush basically down to the roots, for it's own good. I remember thinking at that moment, that I felt like that bush, hacked down into nothing.
-I don't know what God's plan for me is (duh, I know, but sometimes it just hits you)
-The But If Not Talk, from April 2004 and what that phrase really means

I have a hard time with the Mormon culture. Sometimes as a group I think maybe we talk too much. Too many experiences are shared in an effort to uplift. Maybe I'm just jaded, but I get really sick of hearing people's super faith-promoting experiences. It's just not like that for everyone. There are a lot of us, who never get that amazing experience, that earth shattering answer to a prayer or that warm feeling that makes you cry at the pulpit. If I cry at the pulpit it's nerves or embarassent, not the spirit. Hopefully all that sharing is good for other people and I'm sure that with all the different types of people out there the typical stories are helpful to a lot of people. In any case, with all that knowledge of what happened to everyone else and the excessive phrase coining that goes on, it's really hard to not want/expect to have an experience like that. Who wouldn't want to feel a confirmation that is without doubt? Or be strengthened to withstand a trial, feeling the arms of love around you? I wanted it. I was denied it.

But it's okay. I have realized that it's wrong to think that I will ever have an experience like someone else's. I am not them. My spirit doesn't learn like theirs do. The Lord will deal with me in His own way, probably involving a brick to the head, cuz I just don't listen, but it will be a personalized brick. So that's the first thing I learned, I can't expect to have my prayers answered like someone else's.

The Currant Bush, Hugh B. Brown, New Era 1973. That is the original. Other people seem to think it's okay to take those stories and tweak them, but this is the original version. It's a good read and a good reminder. I am the currant bush. My gardener has a plan for me, but since I am a bush, I am not at liberty to wander into his gardener office and check out the plans. I don't know why I had to be razed to the ground. But this story is assuring me that it is because He knows what he wants me to be and since He created me, He sort of has rights over directing my life. I have to trust in Him, which leads me to . . .

But If Not. Elder Dennis Simmons, April 2004 Conference. At the time that this talk was given it had such a profound effect on my husband that he requested I find someway to immortalize those words to help him remember the talk. I designed a cross stitch with a lovely floral border and the words boldly stitched in the center. My husband liked it so much, he asked me make one for each of his sisters, his parents and for Elder Simmons. So I did. It was quite an endeavor, but in any case we have had those three words hanging on the wall of our home for the last 10 years. The premise of the talk is the story of Daniel and his buddies refusing to worship an idol. They are threatened with a fiery death, and respond that God will save them, but that if he doesn't they still won't worship the idol. There is the trust. Trusting God even if things don't go the way you want them to, or think they should, or ask for. That is true faith.

This is what has been missing. I have had hardships and trials during my life. I had always been a good Mormon, faithful and obedient. I tried to do whatever I was asked to do at church. I served in a limited capacity, but I tried to serve where I could. Did I have faith before? I don't know now. I think I believed I had faith, but that's not the same thing as actually having it. The ability to trust so completely, to essentially put your life in the hands of God, well, I'm thinking I was never there.

So now I am learning to trust. I am learning to trust my husband when he says he loves me and choosing to believe that he really does love me. I am learning to trust those moments of clarity as divine inspiration. I am learning that I have to trust in God, that if I am suffering that there is a reason for it. It is part of his plan, which I am not privy to. I might understand in a few months, or years when I look back over my life, or I might not. I might live my entire mortal existence and never know why I had to suffer this pain. I'm not sure I'm okay with that yet. But I will be.

Life

Life and Death

I'm not one for the drama right? Well, outwardly not too much, but inwardly, um yeah.

In any case, I had a very rude awakening a many nights ago. I had one of those dreams that feels so real when you wake up, it takes a few moments to establish whether or not it was actually a dream or a memory. It was also the kind of dream I would term as a nightmare as I woke up in the early morning hours, sobbing into my pillow. Not just crying mind you, but breath gasping sobbing. This is of course what I was doing in my dream, but it has to be pretty powerful to affect my physical state that way. (i.e. I'm not a sleepwalker or talker or anything like that) The worst part of the dream was not just the crying, but the pain. The emotional pain that actually felt like a giant hole punched through my chest. (see the drama?)

I dreamed that my husband had suddenly died. Natural causes and all, but unexpectedly. Even as I try to write this, I am tearing up as I remember the feeling of emptiness. Walking around my house, laying down in bed, just trying to live with this giant empty space around me. Easily one of the most horrific dreams I have ever experienced. Everything physical was the same, the furniture, his clothes, all of the temporal things we have acquired were there, but he was gone and not coming back. Even once I was awake, I had to lightly touch his arm, to be sure that he was real, naturally he thought I was losing it.

I often joke with my kids that Dad will die before me, because he would never survive without me, not knowing where the duct tape is, or the pancake turner. I knew at the moment I realized that it was just a dream, that I would certainly never be able to survive without him. I'm not sure how the Lord is going to work that one out, but I think I have decided that death is not something I am equipped to deal with. I have never lost anyone close to me, but after experiencing the feeling, the emotion of that dream, I have come as close as possible without having to suffer that in reality. I am afraid that I now know exactly what it will be like if/when I lose a loved one.

I know what happens in theory after we die. I know the doctrine. But the actuality of it scares me more than anything in this world. One thing I know after this is that I was taking him for granted. Just his being there. Singing silly nonsense songs, teasing the kids, smiling sheepishly when I find him playing Facebook games and he knows he should be doing something better with his time. This was the most forceful emotional experience I have had in years. The last being the night of our second date when I began crying on the way home because I realized I was leaving for college and would be states away from this guy (who I barely knew) and I just couldnt handle the thought of leaving him. It sounds silly and dramatic, but that was how it was for me in the beginning. Now that I have been by his side for almost 13 years, that feeling has only grown stronger. There are days I want to throw him out a window, but I suspect that has more to do with me than him. He's not perfect, I of course know all the reasons why not, but then, I am not exactly a poster child for the easy to live with.

I have always known (at least since our second date) that we were intended to be together. I am not one to claim soulmates, because that is not how I was raised. But for some obvious reasons and for some reasons I cannot even begin to fathom, the Lord planned for us to be together. The things I have learned from him and the many ways he has helped me to become a better person are testament enough for me. Just yesterday, I saw a picture of my parents on facebook. My dad was smiling (which he never does in pictures), and they were holding on to each other. Growing up I always took their marriage for granted, deep down I always knew they loved each other, but I never really thought about it much. It was just the way it was. But when I saw that picture I saw such a degree of love and companionship in their eyes, that I almost cried. I now want that. They do have a 30 year start on me, but I know I can get there. Or rather, we can get there, together.

This life is precious. My husband is precious. So are my children. And both sets of parents. I pray that when the time comes I will be ready to let go of the one who is ready to move on. In the meantime, I want to keep a little piece of this experience with me always to remind me to be grateful for all that I have. So I can be reminded of good I have it. I am truly blessed.

Confucius

"The ancients who wished to illustrate the highest virtue throughout the empire first ordered well their own states. Wishing to order well their states, they first regulated their families. Wishing to regulate their families, they first cultivated their own selves. Wishing to cultivate their own selves, they first rectified their hearts. Wishing to rectify their hearts, they first sought to be sincere in their thoughts. Wishing to be sincere in their thoughts, they first extended to the utmost their knowledge. Such extension of knowledge lay in the investigation of things."

- The Great Learning (via Our Oriental Heritage)

I guess the next time I have a discussion with my 11 year old son about why he has to do another report I can use this quote:)

I am almost at a loss for what to say since I have so many different tangents in my head in regard to this little paragraph. Then again, that is what makes the great books, great, isn't it?

We have before us a very clearly laid out plan to fix an ailing government. No government is perfect since it will inevitably be staffed by imperfect people, but if the people are of the caliber suggested it can at the very least be well functioning. While this was written somewhere (totally guessing) around 500 BC, it still has obvious merit today, most especially since it is exactly the same thing that our current prophet and apostles have been talking about for years. Add to that studies done by other organizations (outside the LDS church) that show the need for strong families and we have a clear winner on best strategies to fix our society. That said, I am well aware that this falls into my favorite category of simple, not easy. I love all things simple, but I know most of the really simple concepts are the hardest to enact. This does not mean however that we are not responsible for ourselves. We may not be able to enact this change/improvement in the lives of anyone we know, but we certainly can in our own. After all, that is the concept here isn't it? If each person took responsibility for themselves in precisely this way, everything would be hunky-dorey. Since that is rarely if ever the case, the best we can do is keep striving for ourselves, our families and everyone we have influence with in the hopes that it will inspire the change we wish to see.

Point number two: We have a clear explanation of the far reaching effects of education. I hear this phrase A Lot: "This is stupid, I don't need to know this!" Also coupled with "I'm not interested in that, it's stupid." Note the use of highly intelligent adjectives, right?! Most adults that I know would agree that getting a good education is important. Since I home-school my children, my opinion of what a good education entails is often different from many of those people. However, there are numerous points on which we do agree, like reading, writing, mathematics, etc. There are somethings I think of as frivolous, but we don't need to get into that right now. What ever way you choose to define education, it matters. Gaining knowledge of some kind matters. 

In our current day and age you have to have some amount of education in order to live any kind of decent (in my opinion) life. Since my personal opinion is to some who shall remain nameless, rather unimportant, I turn to other sources for confirmation of evidence. Like all other choices that we make in this life, there are good and bad consequences to getting an education. Also similarly, there are as yet unseen, but potentially far reaching effects dependent on whether or not each of us gets a good education. On a spiritual side, getting a good education matters since we only take with us what we have learned in this life, not to mention that our usefulness to the Lord could be limited if we ignore opportunities to improve ourselves. On a more secular note, our level of education has a direct influence on our families, communities and spreads outward to our state and national levels, which somehow manages to effect the economy of the entire world. This of course is not just the educational choices of one person it would need to be quite a number to effect the world, but you get the idea. Besides over exaggerating sometimes works very will with kids when painting a mental picture. I am sometimes scrupulous and will use any method needed to get my point across. My greatest desire is that they will see the vast knowledge available to us and jump in with both feet. We have but a short life here, nowhere near long enough to learn it all, but once we find what is most pertinent to our lives and our futures, we should strive to soak in as much as possible. 

The beauty of it all is once we achieve a certain level of knowledge or learning, another level opens up before and we realize that we will never be "done". This is of course okay, because this life is not about finishing, it's about continuing. Enduring to the end as some of like to say. Keeping at it, time after time, and seeing each new day as a chance to do and be better. 

Gratitude

As shocking as it may be I have actually been known to be the tiniest bit negative at times. Unthinkable right? Well, if you know me well at this point you are probably giving me a big Ha-Ha!

But you will not laugh long my friends . . .

Now let's be clear, I don't do "resolutions." I intentionally start something or try something new in December or February just to make a statement. That statement would of course be then when I try to make a change I mean it and I'm not just doing it because everyone else is doing it. And yes, I know there are lots of people who use the new year as a catalyst, but studies do show that that hardly ever sticks. Anyway, that said I started something this year on January 1, that will hopefully bring about a change in me.

I began the daily reading of Simple Abundance and the daily writing of my own Gratitude Journal. The whole point is a year long journey to refocus and regroup so I can be more aware and thus grateful for the simple blessings in my life.

It has been less than a month, and I will be honest I have had to do a little makeup twice, but things are settling down finally from the move and the crazy move in fix things and change things and all that. So I predict that I have a better ratio of days done right vs. days missed. Some nights have been a stretch, but it really doesn't take very long to think of five things I am grateful for. Part of my goal in this endeavor is to not repeat any of my grateful thoughts. So by the end of the year I should be able to look back on One thousand eight hundred and twenty-five blessings in my life.

The best part is the knowing that even after recording all 1,825, I will still have countless more to add in following years. (Plus I might actually establish a daily writing/journaling routine! Wouldn't that be a great bonus:))

Dystopia

So one of the big trends in YA books recently has been Dsytopian societies. Futuristic worlds that instead of being a paradise are seriously sick and disturbed in their belief systems. Honestly I have only read a few, but as with Utopian stories, the basic concept will be the same: there is something vastly wrong with society that must be fixed, which is usually a result of the current civilizations history. Essentially we right now, are in these books blamed for destroying our own futures. Our wars, our disregard for nature, whatever, seem to be the end of civilization as we know it and spawn a time that is considered "better" in regard to whatever the author thinks we are doing wrong and of course are worse because of the inherent humanity issues that we can't seem to escape.

One of the most well known series of these books is The Hunger Games. Now let's be clear, I love these books. I find them entertaining, engaging and fun as well as being thought provoking. They question our standards of violence and wonder just how low we might be capable of stooping to gain power. In part these books are hard to read. It is hard to accept the horrific things that some of the characters endure and I naturally question how realistic some of it is, even in a futuristic setting. One thing I really like is that these books are very real. There is a touch of teenage romance, but it really works into the character of the main heroine and how her experiences change her. It's a lot about coming to know herself and then having to deal with the consequences of her choices. Also, there is lots of moral, ethical debate stuff. So, all in all, good, not for young children, but good thought provoking books.

I just finished another series that started out well, but let me with a sour taste in my mouth. Uglies, Pretties, and Specials. Throughout the whole series there isn't much character development in that the main heroine spends each book being manipulated by those around her. This dysfunctional world is one in which everyone has government mandated plastic surgery when they turn sixteen, so they can then party, drink and goof off for the next section of their lives. While the books don't specify how long I get the feeling it is for the 20s and 30s. So the ages during which our current society expects people to goof off and do dumb things before "settling down" by age 40 or so. Clearly is does not extend to the whole population, but there certainly is a portion of it that lives this way. The heroine spends a lot of the three books just going along with whatever everyone is telling her to do. Most of the choices that she makes on  her own are very self centered, even though she thinks she is doing something for someone else.

Once the girl manages to decide against becoming "pretty" she ends up that way anyhow in an attempt to help scientific research. Now that she is pretty and basically a "blonde" she has to break out of it. So the jump start to becoming aware, (which the author annoyingly calls "bubbly") is kissing. It is made clear through the second book that the key to becoming "alive" is to get an adrenaline rush. When that ends up not being enough for some they begin cutting themselves. This is where it all started to unravel for me. Very dark and disturbing, and while viewed as such in the second book, it becomes accepted by the "heroine" in the third book in order to be "icy". If nothing else were there to deter me, the authors persistent use of stupid words like these and adding -la and -wa to the end of peoples names when characters are talking to each other is sooo annoying! That would be enough to recommend that no one else read these.

Aside from the author's obvious opinions about beauty, plastic surgery and teenage morons, there are bigger issues. One the biggest deals that weaves itself through all the books is how we, affectionately termed "rusties" destroyed everything, most especially nature. We cut down trees! We ate animals! How could we do such a dastardly thing! Seriously? I'm sorry I never have been and never will be an environmentalist. I recycle. I turn off lights when they are not needed. I turn off water during teeth brushing. I clean up litter. I take care of the little bit of planet I live on, however I do not freak out about cutting down a tree, (especially if it could fall on my house!) nor do I ever spare a thought for my "carbon foot print." The authors agenda comes through loud and clear to me, but I am not sure it will be obvious to everyone.

My concern here is that young people who are impressionable will accept this as truth. They will read this and say to themselves, hmm, preserving nature and saving animals is more important than human life. Humans are bad. "Humanity is a cancer" (that one is actually in the book). The main character agrees with this statement and since that is who people are meant to identify with, I think that's a problem. Of course she is under the influence of messed up brain surgery at the time, but she never gets that fixed, she "thinks" her way out of it. Everyone else needs an injected cure to get better, but she can think her way out. Really? She is manipulated over and over, tricked by people she trusted and she is supposed to have some monumental brain powers to control her own mind? I don't buy it. Anyway, she goes through all of these surgeries, tries to help a rebellion against the government that is controlling everyone, accidentally starts a war between two large cities, then when she has fixed that, she goes off to live in the "wild" and threatens that if the people push out into the wild to far she will be there in her scariness to stop them again. So she ends up as the self proclaimed police of the world. The book ends with her little speech about how she'll be there if civilization every goes too far. It is such a jaded and obvious agenda! Nature should be cared for, but used, that is why it is there. It should not be wasted, but preserving animals and nature does not come before human lives.

So this is the big concern that is brought about with this type of book. What are the young and impressionable  youth learning from dystopian stories? Is war bad? Yes. But is it sometimes necessary? Yes. Are there problems with our current society? Yes. Are we the root of all evil with our little societal issues? Um, No. I am scared that young people will be swayed to believe that. They will grow up with a view of revulsion towards humanity as a whole. They will be a part of a growing trend who has animal babies instead of human ones. I'm sorry but saying I have a new baby at home, should only mean a human one. There are too many people who seem to view people as a bad thing. To me that is just as disturbing as possible future dystopian societies. The difference is that the futures people come up with aren't real. The slanted view of humanity is. Maybe we should fix today's problems before we concoct tomorrows.

Who Rules?

Onward and upward. Persia is now brought to the forefront, with Cyrus at the controls. Cyrus is described as a natural ruler, who was the greatest conqueror before Alexander. The key to this, Durant asserts is this:

He fully understood the first principle of statesmanship--that religion is stronger than the state.

Since I believe that a statesman does more than help run a government I might be inclined to disagree with that statement in part, but I don't because from the author's point of view a statesman is just that a man of the state. That aside, the part about religion really struck me. Durant brings up very clearly that Cyrus conquered many different peoples and that the reason he was successful in this endeavor was because of his support for their group religions. He allowed all the people he conquered to continue practicing their own religions, even to the point of using government money to assist them. There is a great truth here. For people in ancient days their religion was their culture. It was what defined them as a people and set them apart from others. Cyrus seemed to understand that if he took that identity from them he would in essence be killing them and who can be the king if there are no subjects to rule? 

Now I look at this country today. When it was founded I believe the religion was stronger than the state. After all religion was the reason people came to this land in the first place, well, also the second and third places too. (think Jaredites, Nephites, then pilgrims) The main, group religion of our country has always been Christianity. There are many offshoots, different groups, but above all the majority of them believe in Christ. Those that don't hold a sacred belief in another god, or gods. Each religion has codes by which its followers are expected to live by. Some do and some don't. So why does that matter? Well, if those who don't choose to follow their religion religiously (i know, punny, but it just happened!) become more numerous than those who do, I fear for this country. I know without a doubt that this is God's country. It is a promised land given to us as long as we are faithful. I believe this extends outside of those who are of my own personal faith. I believe that God loves and accepts the prayers and good works of anyone who is as righteous as they know how to be. We need to band together as people in very ancient times did and draw on our combined and similar beliefs. We need to hold strong against the forces of those who oppose God and anything remotely related to Him, which by the way would be every tangible and intangible thing and concept ever created. 

At some point, that no one knows, Christ will return to this earth. He will be crowned King and rule all people. Will he adopt the same principle that Cyrus used? Yes, yes He will. How do I know? Simple. Allowing various people to continue worshipping in whatever way they choose, even if you know its wrong, is allowing them their agency. Christ will never take our agency from us. We will always be free to make the wrong choice if we want to. I imagine that may be why Cyrus was so successful as a conqueror, he allowed the people their God-given right to choose for themselves. Just as Christ will. 

So Who Rules? We all do. The whole point of agency is that we get to rule ourselves. So when I tell my kids "I Rule!", I'm seriously right:)

Need

Men are what they have had to be

Yes, yes they are. This particular instance was in reference to the staying power of the Jewish people during some of their trials. That's the section of civilization I am currently on. Next is Persia. It is fascinating and also difficult to read about things that I understand one way (the right way) and have them described as someone without religious belief sees them. I pushed through it and have a better appreciation for the truth of the scriptures and the damage that has been done to the bible over the centuries and by that to people's spirits. 

We do become what we have to. When a task or a trial is placed before us we have the opportunity to rise to the challenge or whine about it. Honestly, if we don't rise to face whatever is placed before us and choose to become what the Lord would have us be, not only will we be unhappy, but we will probably suffer longer. Like until we do become what the Lord wants. 

This is of course why people often counsel to never pray for patience, because you'll get it. Not in the way you want to get it, but in some other way that tests and pushes you beyond what you thought you were capable of withstanding. (This is also known as parenthood). The key lies in the attitude and choice. In the end of everything that's what it always comes down to. I think about it and talk about alot because not many people do. My kids have heard all my best lectures (I am a fantastic lecturer) about how it is in fact their choice to be annoyed by their siblings behavior. It can be horribly hard, but every moment we make choices about what we think, what we say, even what we feel. I was starting to feel really depressed the last few days. Since I have a history with that I have a marker by which I gauge the severity of my negative feelings. This was a bad one. That's all I'm gonna say on that, it was just bad. So on top of feel poopy myself, it wasn't hard to see that I was bringing the whole family down. (Yes, they all could have chosen to be unaffected by my sad behavior, but really they are just kids:)) So I decided last night that depressed time was over. I prayed  it out with the Lord, which is the only way I have survived depression, and I am better today. Not whole and complete mind you, but better than I was. I chose to be positive. I chose to be what everyone around me needed me to be. I am what I have to be. (I think I feel another tshirt design comin' on!)

There is a country song that might offend some of the more puritanical people that I know, but the words go something like this:

If you're going through hell, keep on going

Don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you're there! 

I don't think my trials constitute anything as bad as all that, but there have been times when they did. But it's good advice no matter what, after all everyone goes through bad times, so I'll remember this and save it for that day.

Do what you have to do. Keep moving. Rely on the Lord. Life is going to keep moving whether you want it to or not, so you might as well enjoy the ride.

Sharing

I would like to think that I am just as good about sharing as the next normal, average girl. But there are somethings that I tend to be rather possessive about, things like cookies, books, money, children, my husband; things I imagine most people are possessive with. I have learned the joy of sharing my books, but honestly I make sure my name is inside the book and that I have written down who has it, because otherwise I will forget and then lose my mind trying to figure out where that book went. And the husband thing, well, someone mentioned somewhere about the possibility of polygamy in heaven and well, I am just not sure that I would be the ideal sister wife type.

Anyway, the main focus today is kids. Some moms come to church with their newborn and pass the poor little thing around like the Relief Society clipboard. Seriously I have seen this happen! I on the other hand am well known for hovering like a rabid bear and nearly growling at those who come too near my infants. That does tend to wear off a little as they grow, but still I know I register far to the protective end of the parenting spectrum. This is in part due to my natural paranoia, which is totally justified if you watch the news today, and partly due to what I believe to my divinely given parental duties. I figure if Heavenly Father gave these particular spirits to me to watch over, then I am going to do my best to see that they come to the least harm humanly possible. At least I am not crazy enough to lock them in the house and cut them off from reality. Though it is tempting on occasion just to satiate my sanity . . .

Back on topic. So I most often say no when people ask or offer to hold my babies with the exception of certain individuals who have earned my trust. This is an unexpected response for most, but that's not my problem. So now we have Eliza. Most of the rest of my kids have been fairly stranger shy, and tended to stick close to home as it were, she is less shy, about a lot of things. She is more willing to just walk up to someone and sometimes climb into their lap if she feels so inclined. She actually pulled this particular stunt one afternoon at Anya's piano lesson. The man was a complete stranger, I had never seen him before in my life. He and his wife were waiting for their child to complete his/her lesson and to pass the time he was playing a game on his phone. Eliza decided she wanted the phone, so she turned on the dimples walked over to him and leaning into his lap began jabbering and pointing at his phone. The man nicely chuckled and thankfully did not give the little stinker what she wanted. After all she chews on everything! That's just Eliza. After that I was not all that surprised when she wandered across the aisle during Sacrament Meeting this morning and snuggled with an older gentleman in our ward. I don't know him well, but I do know that he has Alzheimer's, and lots of great-grand kids of his own, many of whom are in our ward. One of his children was sitting in front of us and when he saw Eliza sitting with his father and snuggling in her sweet way whispered to me, "Thank you so much. That will just make his day."

This is not the first time that I have realized over my well numbered child bearing years that I have more to share than I usually think about. I tend to worry that my child could be annoying to someone, or focus on how it's my child and therefore my responsibility, but on the occasions when I have a chance to let go of my precious little one and share them with someone, I need to take the opportunity. Letting someone hold my baby is a true sacrifice for me which is why the Lord has spent the last ten years teaching me this lesson.

I could tell by the older brother's smile that he loved holding her. Since she is my youngest and growing up way to fast, I am realizing how soon I might be the one missing sorely the days of a little one in my arms and maybe if I share now, then the Lord will bless some future young mother with the wisdom that I have been given. The wisdom of Sharing.

Broken

I read "The Forgotten Garden" for book club last month. In summary it did not appeal to me, but one reason I am in this club is to expand my reading horizons, so I read it. Ever since then I have been trying to figure out exactly why I dislike the book. It was intriguing, well written, with deep characters. Today it came to me, this book is broken.

Just for background, there are 4 types of stories, according to Dr. DeMille.

1. Bent

2. Broken

3. Whole

4. Healing

Bent stories portray evil as good and good as evil, so basically these are never a good choice. Broken stories portray evil as evil and good as good, but evil wins. Whole stories are portrayed as good is good, evil is evil and good wins. While Healing stories can be either Whole or Broken, but what defines them is how they change the reader.

So as far as I am concerned "The Forgotten Garden" is Broken. This realization is a great relief to me for a few reasons. One I have a few good friends who love this book and usually our reading interests agree, so it's nice to know why I don't like this book and I am eager to see if my friends feel that my assessment is correct. The other reason is that this book got to be so depressing that I finished it faster than I would normally have just so I could get it over with. On the up side at least it was written well enough that it was easy to read.

My personal inclinations lean toward reading books that have some strife, but overall things end well. While the very end had a hope for the future, for all but one of the main characters there was only sorrow, or worse. I figure that life and reality is depressing enough that I don't want to spend my free fun time being depressed. So let's see if I can summarize the basics of how the main players, and thus the overall story, are Broken. (I am going to go into details that will ruin the book if you have not read it, in essence: Spoiler Alert!)

Cassandra is easily the least messed up character which is good since she is the one living in our current time and therefore would be the ideal character to relate to on a superficial level. She suffered from an selfish mother, but that seems to have been at least partly set off by the subtle love of the Grandmother who raised her. Cassandra also has the ghost of her deceased husband and young son figuratively haunting her as she struggles to forgive herself for their deaths, which by the way were not her fault, accidents happen.

Nell, Cassandra's grandmother, was found alone at age 4 on a dock in Australia with no clues as to who she was, where she came from, or even her real name. She learns of her adoption at age 21 and follows that knowledge with a complete destruction of her personal life pushing away anyone she ever felt anything for while completely shutting herself off from the world. Unhappy is a serious understatement. Near the end of her life, she begins to piece together the puzzle of where she came from, but never finds the entire truth before passing away. Seriously?

Eliza is in fact Nell's biological mother, who comes from a distressing past. Her mother in fact ran off from her wealthy home to marry a sailor, and escape her brother who clearly had incestuous feelings for her. Eliza has a twin brother who meets an accidental death around age twelve, a while after her mother has died from illness. I suppose she deals with things fairly well on some level, but attaches herself to her cousin so deeply that she is willing to do anything for her and I mean anything. Even to the point of being a surrogate and conceiving a child with her cousin's husband. Then willingly gives this child (Nell) to her cousin to raise as her own.

Now add to all this Eliza's uncle (Linus), who views his sister, niece and eventually grandniece/granddaughter inappropriately, a doctor who with Linus destroyed a young woman's chances of motherhood by performing an absurdly unnecessary medical x-ray, and various other minor players many of whom are just as goofed up. Eliza ends up dead and buried with no grave marker, while the rest of the unhappies whittle away their time being consumed with themselves.

In the end Cassandra learns the truth and discovers a hope for a new future. So I am a little torn, being that I am glad that she has new hope that she would not have found without this journey being taken, but with the sordidness of her ancestry, I have to wonder if some things are better left buried? If my history had even a tenth of the drama of hers, would I want to know? Or would it be better to forge ahead regardless of the past?

I suppose this is why it is good to read some Broken books on occasion, it sure does get you thinking.

Pages

I very thoroughly enjoy The Office. David and I watched all the previous seasons on Netflix to get caught up before the new season started last fall. It's just really funny. Now, to switch tracks a little, I was reading in Alma 5, when Alma hands the judgement seat over so he can preach full time. I don't know that there was a particular verse or not, but the whole feeling reminded me of this clip of The Office:

Ryan: OK, what's up?

Michael: Yeah, kay. I was just... After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual?

Ryan: Well it is business, but not as usual.

Michael: Yeah, I know I understand... we're making great strides and we're updating, but business as usual, no?

Ryan: No. [shaking head] We're throwing out the entire playbook, we're starting from scratch, we're implementing a brand new system.

Michael: Good, so, we're on the same page?

Ryan: No. We're not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself.

If you are all familiar with the show, you know this is very typical Michael. His character is just one of those people who exists in a world different from most people. I wondered while reading Alma speak to his people if we(the general people) are ever Michael to Heavenly Father's Ryan. How often does our Father in Heaven explain it over and over again, all through the scriptures and then over and over through his chosen prophets and apostles? How often are we "not on the same page" but like to pretend like we think we are?

I read the Book of Mormon everyday, I say my prayers and I honestly try to be the best everything I can be, but I still struggle. I doubt and I question. I wonder why me, even though I know I am really not supposed to wonder that. I ask Heavenly Father why I have to get sick right now, again, with everything else that is going on in my life. I ask for a blessing, just knowing that this will be the time that I will get to experience that nearly instantaneous healing relief. But it doesn't happen, and then the next day I read a conference talk that actually says:

Trust in God and in His willingness to provide help when needed, no matter how challenging the circumstance.

and then

With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage.

It felt very much like I was being Michael. My Father in Heaven was telling me again what He has told me so many times before, but I still wasn't getting it. I still struggle with accepting the Lord's Will in all things. Ah well, I suppose that is why we have the scriptures and Conference talks, we really do need to be reminded again and again, so that we can get on the same page with the Lord.

Submission

I have never felt like I was the submissive type. Or maybe I was for years and then one day that changed and I have never been that way since. It's all a very long and involved story, my life that is, but suffice it to say that I think I was a fairly submissive child, but have become less so as I have gotten older. I tend to think of it as a negative thing, no doubt as a result of my experiences with it as a young child. But really it's a good thing. I know that and yet I still struggle to embrace it as a character trait I truly desire for myself. I was reading today and this is what struck me:

" . . . yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." - Mosiah 24:15

Like I said, I'm not much of the submissive type, or the patient type and not always the cheerful type. I guess I have a lot to learn (no surprise there!). I am struggling with a medical issue that makes my life unpleasant. I recently, like last week, learned that there will be no change for the better in the foreseeable future. It affects every aspect of my life and for me is a great burden. There may be others who could shoulder it easily and never think twice, but that's why this is my trial and not theirs. I keep looking for what I am supposed to learn from this, hoping that once I learn my lesson something will be able to change. Unfortunately I am smart enough to know that may not be how this works. I don't understand the Lord's will. Frankly it is positively baffling at times. Some things make sense in hindsight, most do not.

I can't say that I have ever been patient or cheerful about submitting to my Father, but I have tried my best to submit my will to His. The best I can do is pray for guidance to know what He would have me do. In a recent talk I shared this thought:

So often in our lives we are asked and sometimes forced to endure trials that we cannot see a solution to. Sometimes even when we can see the end from the beginning we still can't find the connecting road to get us there.

Right now I feel like I am living in the first situation. I am forced to endure this trial with no end in sight. There was a time many years ago when I struggled deeply with depression, not just feeling sad, but dangerous depression. My mother in law loaned me a cross stitch that read: "In Time This Too Shall Pass." And it did. With a lot of effort and a fair amount of therapy I have my depression under control. That was a battle I could fight within myself. That was a mental difficulty, this is a physical difficulty. This is not something I can change or control with pure willpower. This is something else, this is something that will not pass. It's here to stay. And this is what my life will be like for the rest of my life. The thought brings tears to my eyes. So in all this, this desperation, how am I to find it in myself to cheerfully submit with great patience?

I suppose my usual answer will work. You just do it. I see something that I need to do, I know I am the only one who can, so the only thing to do is to do it. In my mind so many things are that simple, even when really they are anything but simple. I have the choice to submit to the physical, or to submit to the spiritual. It's going to be a very long and very hard road, but I won't be on it alone. I can't promise I'll be whistling the whole time, but I'll see if I can eek out a few smiles along the way. I guess with Christ in my corner, I can conquer anything.

Refiner's Fire

What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how [exact] and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god: the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals; and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust?

Hamlet: Hamlet Act II, Scene II

Man is great and man is dust. Literally we are rather equal halves of both. On the one hand we have bodies that were originally formed from the dust of the earth. On the other hand, our spirits which give life to our bodies are the offspring of the God of the Universe. I have just finished The Killer Angels, by Michael Shaara. I must admit great surprise on my part. I never thought I would read let alone like a book about war. Yes, I do thoroughly enjoy books about war between vampires and werewolves, etc, but that's not real! This is of course the major draw for me. I dislike unpleasant things that are real. I understand that war and violence are a part of this mortal life, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. So I don't. All that aside, I really enjoyed this book. Enough that I bought my own copy of it, before I finished reading it. Those who know me well, will understand what that means.

For those who are as unfamiliar with this book as I was before I heard the title at a book club meeting, it is about the battle fought at Gettysburg during the Civil war. It is told from the perspective of several of the men in charge, mostly generals. That aspect was mildly confusing, but I got to know so many different characters on such a personal level that it really brought out what war was like in that time. It's not like movies and fiction books, where there is a very clear evil bad guy and there are a few scrappy good guys who have to pull off a fantastic victory. Both sides believed themselves to be right and it is easy to see both sides of the argument.

The northerners in part were fighting to stop slavery. Some men were fighting simply because there was some excuse and didn't really care what the fighting cause was. The southerners on the other hand were not fighting for slavery. They were fighting to preserve their right to live as they chose. I have never and will never condone slavery in any form, but the concept of fighting to preserve one's rights rings true to the foundation of this country. So essentially everyone was fighting for equal rights for different groups of people.

I have been reading a lot of pre-civil war history in A History of Us, Vol 4, with the kids and the author makes the point several times that one major reason that slavery needed to be stopped was that once it is legal for one group of people to be denied basic human rights, it is that much easier to put restrictions on others as well. Limit the rights of one and you limit the rights of all. In the end that and the grace of God, is why the north won. This country could not continue if the very base of why it was formed was being dismantled one bit at a time. It was a hard lesson to learn, but that, like I tell my kids, is why it is so important to read about history. If we don't know where we've been, how will we know where to go?

At the beginning of the last day of the battle, the Union troops led by Chamberlain are resting and preparing for a day of battle. They notice the fight beginning at the far end of the army more than a mile away, they have been through great trial between exhaustion, lack of food, and long days of marching or fighting. Chamberlain is worried about his men, he is mourning the loss of all the men whose bodies he can see littering the field. He lost almost half of his men during the previous day's battle.

They were dwindling away like the sands in a glass. How long does it go on? Each one becoming more precious. What's left now is the best, each man a rock. But now there are so few. We began with a thousand and so whittled down, polishing, pruning, until what we had yesterday was superb, absolutely superb, and now only about two hundred . . .

I can only imagine that this is similar to how our Father in Heaven has and does feel so often. After the great war in heaven, the first of many refiner's fires, sifting through for those who were strongest, most able. Then continuing as we enter and endure this earth life. War is a perfect symbolism for life. The survival of the fittest. Those who are fastest and smartest survive in war. Those who are strongest and righteous survive in life. I don't want to be pruned away. I don't want to be one of those who is whittled off, one who didn't make it. I want to be faster and stronger and survive the refiner's fire of life.

C, C and C

My understanding of communism is that it is a governmental system in which everyone is forced to share all that they have in order to achieve a situation of social and financial equality. They choose people's careers, etc, for them in an effort to create the ideal society, or to have ultimate control.

Now contrast that with the Law of Consecration, wherein everyone shares and is equal to one another by choice. They want to give and they want to share and lift others.

If these assertions are correct, then the only difference between communism and consecration is the desire behind it. With one you have the desire to do it and with the other you don't. When people are forced to share and be the same, they naturally rebel. I don't know of anybody who wants to be told what to do and how to live all the time. It goes against the root of why we came to this earth. After all, if we are here to make choices, what's the point if we aren't allowed to make them!

Now add to the mix customs. The customs of a people are the general belief and standards that people choose to live by. In ancient days, the customs of the people were often based in religion.

When to this natural basis of a custom a supernatural sanction is added by religion, and the ways of one's ancestors are also the will of the gods, then custom becomes stronger than law . . .

When the "modes of thought and action" became intertwined with religious and in turn familial beliefs, they became the law by which people lived. We still have customs in other countries today that seem strange to us, but are part of their everyday life. We also have customs here that are are thought to be strange to others. Wherever you choose to live, their are customs to be followed or ignored. However if they are ignored, the persecution a person would encounter could be fierce. Doing something that is outside the "norm" can bring ostracization from our fellow men.

So how does this all tie together? hmm, that's a good question . . .

Here's my thought. If customs are what we choose to live by and laws are what we are told to live by, and if communism is us being told how we must live, and consecration is living the way that we know we should live . . . then we will find our "Utopian" society of consecration when the laws become the customs. When we start choosing to live they way we are told because we know we should and we want to do what's right, we will achieve what communism never could. Unity.

Civilization

Define civilization. Sounds simple right? I don't think it is. In our day we think of civilization as lots of people, lots of technology and lots of conveniences. But for thousands of years it has meant something entirely different. The word has referred to a group of people choosing to live and work together towards a common goal, usually survival.

Yes, I have found something new to drown in. An eleven volume set of books called the Story of Civilization, by Will Durant. I bought this massive set of books, most of which near 1000 pages each, for David one year when he was really into history. Well, apparently he wasn't THAT into history, so they have sat on the shelf until I felt like I was mentally prepared for them and now to my joy, I am. So we begin.

With early people, i.e., Adam and Eve and descendants, the main occupation was hunting to provide food for the family. It was completely necessary to sustain life, as opposed to current times when Walmart hunts for us:)

We do our hunting by proxy, not having the stomach for honest killing in the fields; but our memories of the chase linger in our joyful pursuit of anything weak or fugitive, and in the games of our children-even in the word game.

Makes sense, doesn't it? Our society, at least here in the US, is so focused around games. Football, baseball, video games, etc, seem sometimes to hold a greater priority in people's lives than actually living. I have never really understood that. Probably because I grew up listening to my dad talk about how sports are just men(people)acting out their violent and warlike tendencies. You guessed it, he's not a sports fanatic. He is about staying healthy and encouraged us to go outside and play games, but organized publicized sporting events were not his thing. After having been married to a college football loving man for eleven years, I am still stumped. I watch my 10 year old son, while he watches football with his dad, throw his arms up and holler at the tv when something good happens, or something bad. He isn't mimicking his dad, they are like a synchronized team, who just happens to never have practiced their moves, but still are perfectly in sync. I'll be honest. I just don't get football. I know they are trying to get the ball from one end to the other. I even check a book out of the library from the kid's section to read and hopefully understand better as a way to show interest in what my husband loves. To no avail. Why is this play so great, but that one, which looked the same to me, so not great? Wow, so off track, the point is that there seems to be some kind of deeply subconscious ingrained need in some men/people, not all, to be a part of or watch the "hunt". Does that come from thousands of years of ancestors who lived and survived by hunting prey and occasionally enemies? Or is there some deeper spiritual need to survive, to endure and make it through and this is the only way they know how to express it?

I really don't know. Physical or spiritual? I would guess that it is a physical thing, though that would necessitate a very strong genetic indicator of good hunter versus lousy hunter and I don't know if there is any evidence to back that up. However since this is my own little world and I don't need to prove anything, I don't need evidence. :)

Conclusion

Such a simple word to sum it all up. It's a little more refined than "That's all folks!" I have finished Walden. This was my second journey and this time I made it through. There was a lot to learn and a lot that I missed. I admit I definitely lost interest some in the sections about the depth of the pond, though from a naturalist point of view, that would be good information.

I love the way Thoreau ended this book. He summarized with a reminder that things are really not as they seem and there is so much more to people and life than appears on the surface.

The universe is wider than our views of it.

So it is. It is comforting to know that while my view is so limited, I have access to a source that is omnipotent. So many things happen in the world in general and in my own life personally that I really do not understand, that it is of great comfort to know that Someone does have the master blueprint. There is a reason for each and every triumph and each and every disappointment. Each one is an opportunity to learn and to grow. Every individual on this planet has the same chance to explore the last undiscovered frontier: ourselves. Self examination and introspection is one of the scariest and most enlightening endeavors. It's hard to do at first, but it can change your life if you really try and enlist the help of the Holy Spirit. For me, when something goes badly, I spend time having a conversation in my head with myself to figure what went wrong. It helps me to know what I need to change, and when I need to apologize occasionally. When we begin to understand ourselves, we are on our way to controlling ourselves and getting closer to our potential as sons and daughters of God.

Humility like darkness reveals the heavenly light.

We are children of God. We have the option to become like him if we choose. Sometimes I think I am not sure if I want to become like God. Simply put, great power has great responsibility. It frightens me the level of responsibility that is attached to even a fraction of God's power. One more reason I am glad to be a woman, I'll never hold the priesthood. I am so thankful that God's power is available to me, but I am also glad that it is not my lot in life to be accountable for how it is used. There is another quote by a woman who wrote a great book on teaching children self government. She said, "Be like the Moon." I love that. The moon reflects the light of the sun and adds beauty and order. People used to mark the passing of time by the cycle of the moon. I want to reflect Christ. I want to bring consistency and beauty to my little sphere of influence. If I can do that and a few other things in my life, I will consider it to be a successful experiment.

Elysium

Isn't that just a really fun word to say? E-lee-see-um. It flows and it sounds pretty which is probably related to the fact the the actual place was supposed to be beautiful, and well, heavenly. So I just finished rereading Percy Jackson, the Lightning Thief, and I still love these books. It is nice sometimes to read something that is not as challenging, but still imparts great basic truths. So One of the biggest things that struck me this read through was this part when the heroes are in the underworld on their quest to put things right.

"There's a court for dead people?"

"Yeah. Three judges. They switch around who sits on the bench. King Minos, Thomas Jefferson, Shakespeare--people like that. Sometimes they look at a life and decide that person needs a special reward--the Fields of Elysium. Sometimes they decide on punishment. But most people, well, they just lived. Nothing special, good or bad."

Ok, now personally I can draw about a hundred comparisons between Greek Mythology and the Gospel, but this one is a little bigger. They just lived. How sad. I realized after I read that, that I don't want to just live. I want to do something! I want to make a difference and change something for the better. When my time of judgement comes as it must for us all, I want to be symbolically deemed Elysium Fields material. I want to live a good life.

But what does that really mean? I make lots of mistakes everyday. Some of which I continue to make for years at a time. For the most part, my heart is in the right place. In part my mistakes are made out of ignorance, or stupidity. Sometimes they are intentional, I just don't realize that I subconsciously meant to do something until after I have done it when it is naturally much harder to fix it. I have been through dark times in my life, bouts with depression and many of the same type of struggles that so many others face. Thankfully, the Lord has guided me through it all and led me to one simple truth of how to live that good life.

One day at a time.

Each and every moment of each and every day is a new chance to do it right. Many if not most trials and struggles carry over through many days, but every night I have the chance to go to bed with a good attitude and every morning I have the chance to look at the day with a positive outlook. It's a choice I make everyday. Sadly sometimes I choose wrong. But more often these days I am choosing right. I choose to be happy and calm. In my opinion despite my imperfections and mistakes, I think I am living a good life. Now things will be fine if I can just survive the next twenty years . . . .

As a side note, if you know anything about Greek Mythology, take a moment, if you haven't and compare things like Hercules with true history. Or the three different places you can end up when you die. Or the idea that there are children of god.

So yes, I love another kids book. I read the whole series with my 10 year old son. He loved them. The action is nonstop and the characters are faced with tough choices, and almost always make the right one. It's a great ideal for a young boy: a child of a god, with great potential and powers, who is constantly under attack from evil forces and fights for the right through all of it. Each child on this earth is a "demi-god", so let's teach them what that means and train them to fulfill their destinies.

Solitude

"I'm alone, but I'm not lonely . . . " Bonus points if you know what movie that is from. Sometimes I love to be alone. It's nice to have peace and quiet, which, my kids will tell you from many of my lectures, are not the same thing. It is in fact very common to have one without the other. I just read my husband's most recent blog posting here. Some of the best truths are learned in solitude. We can learn a lot from each other, but when it comes down to it, our best learning comes when it is just you and the Holy Spirit. Besides it's probably easier to hear when no one else is talking:)

God is alone, -- but the devil, he is far from alone; he sees a great deal of company; he is legion.

Clearly, time spent with only ourselves for earthly comfort is time well spent. Being physically alone is not the only factor here. To truly be alone we need to turn off all of our wonderful devices that talk to us in place of other humans. Sometimes I purposely leave my cell phone at home when I go somewhere, just so I can feel the disconnection. And I secretly love it when the power goes out, because of the way it cuts us off from our electronic world and gives us a little time to just breath in the solitude of it. Plus it makes me even more grateful for electricity and all my wonderful toys when the power comes back on. This is one reason we take our kids camping every year. There is nothing that can compare with sitting around a campfire in the fading light with nothing but nature all around you. Being outside, alone, is one of the most wonderful things in this world. Sometimes when I was a kid and I got stressed out I would go out to the backyard and climb a tree and just sit. Try it sometime, it's a singular experience.

Solitude is not about being completely alone. Just as the reverse is true, being in a large group of people does not mean that you are well-companioned. It is all complexly intertwined. I have felt utterly alone in a room full of people who I am familiar with. On the reverse I have been physically alone and felt more loved and accepted than at any other time.

Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows.

I often find my solitude simply by following my heart and just being who I am. That of course, has taken years of figuring out exactly who I am, but I have a fair idea by this point. When my children are playing quietly and I have a great book to read, I find solitude. When I get the chance to work out in the yard raking leaves, or spreading wood chips, I relish in the solitude of physical labor out in the beauty of nature. I'm really not too much of an outdoorsy girl, but I want to be. I decided that the only reason I am not out there more is that for ten years I have had one or more little people who I cannot and should not leave unattended for long periods of time. I am greatly looking forward to the time that is fast approaching when all my children will be able to accompany me on long hikes. (oh, and I need to get into shape for those long hikes too:)) In the meantime I grab little moments of solitude.

We can't all go live by the side of a pond for two years, but I am quite sure that with a little effort each of us can find moments of solitude wherever we are.

My Favorite Dead Guy

Seriously I really think Henry David Thoreau is my new favorite dead guy. He had more common sense than the majority of the world's population.

Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand.

I strive to keep my life simple. My kids are not involved in tons of things. I am not involved in tons of things. Elder Oaks' "Good, Better, Best" talk has become my mantra of life. I admit I am also judgmental of those who complain about how crazy their lives are and yet do nothing to simplify. If you know something is wrong at least try to fix it, you know? I do still have days and even weeks when my life is much busier than I would like, but that is the exception and not the rule. This means even more to me on the eve of one of my crazy busy days. I am curious to know if anyone else thinks that this would constitute a busy day: Kids up and family scripture study at 7:30, strip beds, wash sheets, devotional with kids, visiting teaching at 930 and 1030, home for lunch, visiting teacher arriving at 1, take care of friends dog about 230, piano lesson at 330, house cleanup at 5, dinner at 6 and kids bedtime at 8. I fear that what I consider an insane day will be nothing to others, but for me tomorrow will be crazy. I much prefer my two or three kind of days.

One of the biggest reasons for keeping things simple is so I don't miss anything. I want to live and enjoy what is really important, like a three year old who loves everything, and a one year old who is growing up way to fast. To quote Thoreau:

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

I want to live. I want to rake the biggest pile of leaves, or spend a whole day just reading books outloud, or watch a baby learn to walk. There is just so much in this world. So many options. Too many in my opinion. I know I have to make hard choices about what I will or will not do and what I let my kids do. I want to be sure that I spend my most valuable time becoming better than I am, and being as goofed up as I am I have lot of improving to do . . .

When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence

Slow it down people. Sometimes (like tomorrow for me) we run so fast trying to do everything we miss what really matters. After all is it more important for your child to play three sports and two instruments, or for that child to spend time with you one on one just taking a walk and talking? To me the answer is obvious. Time. For anyone who disagrees, perhaps you should take a moment and ponder on why you do not feel a desire to be with your child. I know that's a little or a lot judgmental, but honestly, why do parents schedule their children? I am not talking about situations where a child who is old enough to understand commitment and responsibility asks, begs, or pleads for lessons or a certain activity. If the child has a passion, feed it. My problem is when the parents sign up their children so everyone is running around every available opportunity instead of having any down time at home. They push their children out of a misguided attempt to better them without understanding what the child really needs to become better. They want the best for them, but they miss the point that what is best for them is being with them. I understand that it is easier emotionally to drive and drop, than walk and talk. Establishing an emotional connection with a child or any other person requires a certain level of maturity and selflessness, not to mention charity and love. It's hard, I know. I have been there. I have had and still do have times when I would really not rather have to deal with kids. It is easy to dismiss and ignore them. It's hard to care for another, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Just like with everything worth having or doing in this world, it takes work and it's going to be hard, but the end result will be well worth it. Things that are permanent and absolute are few and far between in this temporal world of ours. Find out what those things are and you will have a clear picture of what you should be spending your time and energy on. I think that was one point of Life in the Woods. Take time away from civilization and assess your priorities. When we have our priorities in order we are more than capable of taking of our own and then extending out to help and serve others. Gotta say, loving this my new favorite dead guy.

Reality

I have been mulling over a thought concept for some time now. I thought it would be titled Perception. So I guess this really is reality or perception. What is the difference between the two?

I am reading Wives and Daughters for my new book club and I was struck today by the way the author presents certain characters. Some of the people in the book, and in many other books, just don't get it. It's like they live in this alternate world, that doesn't intersect the real world. I often see or interact with other people and I wonder (sooo judgingly) if they realize that they are functioning with a false sense of what is real and what matters. Reality (punny I know) tv shows for example. Do the people on those shows really behave that way in real life? I sure hope not. I imagine that a great deal of their drama and angst comes from knowing they are being taped and that in real life they would not be so terribly unpleasant or idiotic. Of course that leads into why we as a society have this clearly rampant desire to voyeuristicly observe other people acting like they are not acting while they clearly are? What does that say about the Human race? Where does this deep need for drama and excitement come from? Why are we so incapable of being content with where we are and what we have. Just to be clear I am not judging here, I am more than guilty of books and movies enjoyed simply to remove myself from my reality for a time. I just wonder . . .

So in dissecting the thought of how another person's perception of the world is in fact their reality, does that mean that they are not living in the real world, or that I am not? I feel that I see things much more clearly than they do, so does that mean that I understand what is real and what matters? or am I deluding myself with thoughts of my own grandeur? I think that observing life from a gospel perspective is the only way to judge. I know the gospel to be true. I know Christ was/is perfect. So if I can try to see the world through His eyes, that seems like the best possible way to determine what is reality. Of course, once I master that I will be able to stop judging people and considering myself "more real" than they are and then this whole concept of my perception vs. their perception is rather moot since it would simply become the perception of the Perfected one, which is universal and omnipotent.

Obviously (to me at least) my concerns about perception should be focused not on who is right, but on how I can help. Naturally my next thought leads me to think about how I perceive myself in an attempt to share the gospel and then begin to consider how another person might perceive my attempt to share, which could very well seem to them like I don't live in the real world, but really that is just my perception of what their perception might be based on only my own life experiences, which is not their experiences and since I have yet to discover that elusive mind reading ability, I will never truly be able to know how another person receives what I share.

It's a conundrum.

My right answer: don't worry about what other people think. Do what I know is right. Ask questions when I do not understand. Pray for guidance.

Someday I'll figure it all out.

Clothing

Being as clothing has been necessary since the Garden of Eden, it is one of the first things Thoreau addresses. Me and clothes have had issues since waaaay back. When I was in elementary school I had a couple of pairs of jeans that were exactly the same. So even when I wore a different pair jeans each day, it looked from the outside like I was wearing the same thing everyday. I don't remember thinking anything of it until the teasing started. I think it began in 5th grade. The more fashionable girls, who had the latest styles made fun of me because of my clothes. Even then I wore alot of what I wear now: jeans and a t shirt. That's my pretty standard dress code. I like it and I am comfortable in it. However it was not up to par. Being picked on for what I wore got much worse in Junior High. I had a math class first thing in the morning and there were two girls who came to class everyday and first thing told everything that was wrong with what I was wearing. They didn't even pretend to be helpful/condescending, they were just plain mean about it. As a result I have some very serious issues about what I am wearing, what it says about me, how I look, etc. It has taken me years to begin to move past it and truly find what I am comfortable wearing. So clearly clothing is a very important part of our lives, whether it should be or not.

It is an interesting question how far men would retain their relative rank if they were divested of their clothes. Could you, in such a case, tell surely of any company of civilized men, which belonged to the most respected class?

This of course illustrates the concept behind school uniforms. That is an attempt to get children to, well conform for one thing, but maybe it is also an attempt to help them see past the outside. I'm probably reading into that way too much, but it is a thought. But imagine for a moment that there were no myriad of options for clothing. We all wore the same thing. We would have to actually speak to someone and get to know them before we could pass judgement. So challenge number one is to look past the clothing of someone that is different or less expensive or less cared for than our own and look for the child of God that is wearing those clothes.

Challenge number two as least according to Thoreau is frugality. How often do people buy clothes that they don't need? And then (myself included) we donate our less fashionable older things to Goodwill with the narcissistic thought that someone less fortunate than ourselves will be grateful for our sacrifice. But really aren't they the better people inside that are willing to wear something that is not new and not the most stylish, but still functional.

I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of the clothes.

I love new clothes. But being a mother of six, I very often find that I must sacrifice my desire for the needs of my children. They are still growing (magically) and I (hopefully) am not. Therefore what I have should last me more than the next six months. Everytime I want to start exercising again I think I would love to get new shoes and "exercise clothes" however as previously stated, my desires are usually overshadowed, which is a good thing. Clearly since I am not currently diligent in exercising, this is an enterprise that requires "a new wearer of the clothes" as opposed to cool new exercise clothes. I have to make a change within before making a change without. I need to become a regular exerciser before I spend my families money on something that could otherwise go unused. Fashion may seem like a fairly frivolous thing to worry about, but it is just the tip of the iceberg. The concept of changing the inside can be applied to so many aspects of life. And looking like something doesn't make you that thing. I know, I do it all the time. I am a 30 year old mother of six who sometimes wears a black t shirt, leather wristband, skinny jeans and combat boots. Oh and I dyed my hair black. Apparently I am going through a bit of a goth/emo/punk phase. Does that mean I am those things? No. But it does bring up the question of why do I wear it then? Do I want people to think that I am punk, or goth? Maybe. How much does what we wear affect how other people think of us? And why do we chose to wear certain things, especially if we know it is unusual? I am not sure if I want attention, or if I just want to be what in my mind I perceive as "cool". I might still be trying to find acceptance that I never felt as a child. For the most part I wear what I wear now because I like how I look. So in conclusion, most people probably don't worry about clothes as much as I do, but for me it is a big deal. It may not seem like it, but I am very insecure in many areas. I don't look like it usually because I tell myself I am confident and comfortable with who I am, it's a little trick I learned in High School, but that is a post for another time.