Gratitude

As shocking as it may be I have actually been known to be the tiniest bit negative at times. Unthinkable right? Well, if you know me well at this point you are probably giving me a big Ha-Ha!

But you will not laugh long my friends . . .

Now let's be clear, I don't do "resolutions." I intentionally start something or try something new in December or February just to make a statement. That statement would of course be then when I try to make a change I mean it and I'm not just doing it because everyone else is doing it. And yes, I know there are lots of people who use the new year as a catalyst, but studies do show that that hardly ever sticks. Anyway, that said I started something this year on January 1, that will hopefully bring about a change in me.

I began the daily reading of Simple Abundance and the daily writing of my own Gratitude Journal. The whole point is a year long journey to refocus and regroup so I can be more aware and thus grateful for the simple blessings in my life.

It has been less than a month, and I will be honest I have had to do a little makeup twice, but things are settling down finally from the move and the crazy move in fix things and change things and all that. So I predict that I have a better ratio of days done right vs. days missed. Some nights have been a stretch, but it really doesn't take very long to think of five things I am grateful for. Part of my goal in this endeavor is to not repeat any of my grateful thoughts. So by the end of the year I should be able to look back on One thousand eight hundred and twenty-five blessings in my life.

The best part is the knowing that even after recording all 1,825, I will still have countless more to add in following years. (Plus I might actually establish a daily writing/journaling routine! Wouldn't that be a great bonus:))

Dystopia

So one of the big trends in YA books recently has been Dsytopian societies. Futuristic worlds that instead of being a paradise are seriously sick and disturbed in their belief systems. Honestly I have only read a few, but as with Utopian stories, the basic concept will be the same: there is something vastly wrong with society that must be fixed, which is usually a result of the current civilizations history. Essentially we right now, are in these books blamed for destroying our own futures. Our wars, our disregard for nature, whatever, seem to be the end of civilization as we know it and spawn a time that is considered "better" in regard to whatever the author thinks we are doing wrong and of course are worse because of the inherent humanity issues that we can't seem to escape.

One of the most well known series of these books is The Hunger Games. Now let's be clear, I love these books. I find them entertaining, engaging and fun as well as being thought provoking. They question our standards of violence and wonder just how low we might be capable of stooping to gain power. In part these books are hard to read. It is hard to accept the horrific things that some of the characters endure and I naturally question how realistic some of it is, even in a futuristic setting. One thing I really like is that these books are very real. There is a touch of teenage romance, but it really works into the character of the main heroine and how her experiences change her. It's a lot about coming to know herself and then having to deal with the consequences of her choices. Also, there is lots of moral, ethical debate stuff. So, all in all, good, not for young children, but good thought provoking books.

I just finished another series that started out well, but let me with a sour taste in my mouth. Uglies, Pretties, and Specials. Throughout the whole series there isn't much character development in that the main heroine spends each book being manipulated by those around her. This dysfunctional world is one in which everyone has government mandated plastic surgery when they turn sixteen, so they can then party, drink and goof off for the next section of their lives. While the books don't specify how long I get the feeling it is for the 20s and 30s. So the ages during which our current society expects people to goof off and do dumb things before "settling down" by age 40 or so. Clearly is does not extend to the whole population, but there certainly is a portion of it that lives this way. The heroine spends a lot of the three books just going along with whatever everyone is telling her to do. Most of the choices that she makes on  her own are very self centered, even though she thinks she is doing something for someone else.

Once the girl manages to decide against becoming "pretty" she ends up that way anyhow in an attempt to help scientific research. Now that she is pretty and basically a "blonde" she has to break out of it. So the jump start to becoming aware, (which the author annoyingly calls "bubbly") is kissing. It is made clear through the second book that the key to becoming "alive" is to get an adrenaline rush. When that ends up not being enough for some they begin cutting themselves. This is where it all started to unravel for me. Very dark and disturbing, and while viewed as such in the second book, it becomes accepted by the "heroine" in the third book in order to be "icy". If nothing else were there to deter me, the authors persistent use of stupid words like these and adding -la and -wa to the end of peoples names when characters are talking to each other is sooo annoying! That would be enough to recommend that no one else read these.

Aside from the author's obvious opinions about beauty, plastic surgery and teenage morons, there are bigger issues. One the biggest deals that weaves itself through all the books is how we, affectionately termed "rusties" destroyed everything, most especially nature. We cut down trees! We ate animals! How could we do such a dastardly thing! Seriously? I'm sorry I never have been and never will be an environmentalist. I recycle. I turn off lights when they are not needed. I turn off water during teeth brushing. I clean up litter. I take care of the little bit of planet I live on, however I do not freak out about cutting down a tree, (especially if it could fall on my house!) nor do I ever spare a thought for my "carbon foot print." The authors agenda comes through loud and clear to me, but I am not sure it will be obvious to everyone.

My concern here is that young people who are impressionable will accept this as truth. They will read this and say to themselves, hmm, preserving nature and saving animals is more important than human life. Humans are bad. "Humanity is a cancer" (that one is actually in the book). The main character agrees with this statement and since that is who people are meant to identify with, I think that's a problem. Of course she is under the influence of messed up brain surgery at the time, but she never gets that fixed, she "thinks" her way out of it. Everyone else needs an injected cure to get better, but she can think her way out. Really? She is manipulated over and over, tricked by people she trusted and she is supposed to have some monumental brain powers to control her own mind? I don't buy it. Anyway, she goes through all of these surgeries, tries to help a rebellion against the government that is controlling everyone, accidentally starts a war between two large cities, then when she has fixed that, she goes off to live in the "wild" and threatens that if the people push out into the wild to far she will be there in her scariness to stop them again. So she ends up as the self proclaimed police of the world. The book ends with her little speech about how she'll be there if civilization every goes too far. It is such a jaded and obvious agenda! Nature should be cared for, but used, that is why it is there. It should not be wasted, but preserving animals and nature does not come before human lives.

So this is the big concern that is brought about with this type of book. What are the young and impressionable  youth learning from dystopian stories? Is war bad? Yes. But is it sometimes necessary? Yes. Are there problems with our current society? Yes. Are we the root of all evil with our little societal issues? Um, No. I am scared that young people will be swayed to believe that. They will grow up with a view of revulsion towards humanity as a whole. They will be a part of a growing trend who has animal babies instead of human ones. I'm sorry but saying I have a new baby at home, should only mean a human one. There are too many people who seem to view people as a bad thing. To me that is just as disturbing as possible future dystopian societies. The difference is that the futures people come up with aren't real. The slanted view of humanity is. Maybe we should fix today's problems before we concoct tomorrows.

Who Rules?

Onward and upward. Persia is now brought to the forefront, with Cyrus at the controls. Cyrus is described as a natural ruler, who was the greatest conqueror before Alexander. The key to this, Durant asserts is this:

He fully understood the first principle of statesmanship--that religion is stronger than the state.

Since I believe that a statesman does more than help run a government I might be inclined to disagree with that statement in part, but I don't because from the author's point of view a statesman is just that a man of the state. That aside, the part about religion really struck me. Durant brings up very clearly that Cyrus conquered many different peoples and that the reason he was successful in this endeavor was because of his support for their group religions. He allowed all the people he conquered to continue practicing their own religions, even to the point of using government money to assist them. There is a great truth here. For people in ancient days their religion was their culture. It was what defined them as a people and set them apart from others. Cyrus seemed to understand that if he took that identity from them he would in essence be killing them and who can be the king if there are no subjects to rule? 

Now I look at this country today. When it was founded I believe the religion was stronger than the state. After all religion was the reason people came to this land in the first place, well, also the second and third places too. (think Jaredites, Nephites, then pilgrims) The main, group religion of our country has always been Christianity. There are many offshoots, different groups, but above all the majority of them believe in Christ. Those that don't hold a sacred belief in another god, or gods. Each religion has codes by which its followers are expected to live by. Some do and some don't. So why does that matter? Well, if those who don't choose to follow their religion religiously (i know, punny, but it just happened!) become more numerous than those who do, I fear for this country. I know without a doubt that this is God's country. It is a promised land given to us as long as we are faithful. I believe this extends outside of those who are of my own personal faith. I believe that God loves and accepts the prayers and good works of anyone who is as righteous as they know how to be. We need to band together as people in very ancient times did and draw on our combined and similar beliefs. We need to hold strong against the forces of those who oppose God and anything remotely related to Him, which by the way would be every tangible and intangible thing and concept ever created. 

At some point, that no one knows, Christ will return to this earth. He will be crowned King and rule all people. Will he adopt the same principle that Cyrus used? Yes, yes He will. How do I know? Simple. Allowing various people to continue worshipping in whatever way they choose, even if you know its wrong, is allowing them their agency. Christ will never take our agency from us. We will always be free to make the wrong choice if we want to. I imagine that may be why Cyrus was so successful as a conqueror, he allowed the people their God-given right to choose for themselves. Just as Christ will. 

So Who Rules? We all do. The whole point of agency is that we get to rule ourselves. So when I tell my kids "I Rule!", I'm seriously right:)

Need

Men are what they have had to be

Yes, yes they are. This particular instance was in reference to the staying power of the Jewish people during some of their trials. That's the section of civilization I am currently on. Next is Persia. It is fascinating and also difficult to read about things that I understand one way (the right way) and have them described as someone without religious belief sees them. I pushed through it and have a better appreciation for the truth of the scriptures and the damage that has been done to the bible over the centuries and by that to people's spirits. 

We do become what we have to. When a task or a trial is placed before us we have the opportunity to rise to the challenge or whine about it. Honestly, if we don't rise to face whatever is placed before us and choose to become what the Lord would have us be, not only will we be unhappy, but we will probably suffer longer. Like until we do become what the Lord wants. 

This is of course why people often counsel to never pray for patience, because you'll get it. Not in the way you want to get it, but in some other way that tests and pushes you beyond what you thought you were capable of withstanding. (This is also known as parenthood). The key lies in the attitude and choice. In the end of everything that's what it always comes down to. I think about it and talk about alot because not many people do. My kids have heard all my best lectures (I am a fantastic lecturer) about how it is in fact their choice to be annoyed by their siblings behavior. It can be horribly hard, but every moment we make choices about what we think, what we say, even what we feel. I was starting to feel really depressed the last few days. Since I have a history with that I have a marker by which I gauge the severity of my negative feelings. This was a bad one. That's all I'm gonna say on that, it was just bad. So on top of feel poopy myself, it wasn't hard to see that I was bringing the whole family down. (Yes, they all could have chosen to be unaffected by my sad behavior, but really they are just kids:)) So I decided last night that depressed time was over. I prayed  it out with the Lord, which is the only way I have survived depression, and I am better today. Not whole and complete mind you, but better than I was. I chose to be positive. I chose to be what everyone around me needed me to be. I am what I have to be. (I think I feel another tshirt design comin' on!)

There is a country song that might offend some of the more puritanical people that I know, but the words go something like this:

If you're going through hell, keep on going

Don't slow down, if you're scared don't show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you're there! 

I don't think my trials constitute anything as bad as all that, but there have been times when they did. But it's good advice no matter what, after all everyone goes through bad times, so I'll remember this and save it for that day.

Do what you have to do. Keep moving. Rely on the Lord. Life is going to keep moving whether you want it to or not, so you might as well enjoy the ride.

Sharing

I would like to think that I am just as good about sharing as the next normal, average girl. But there are somethings that I tend to be rather possessive about, things like cookies, books, money, children, my husband; things I imagine most people are possessive with. I have learned the joy of sharing my books, but honestly I make sure my name is inside the book and that I have written down who has it, because otherwise I will forget and then lose my mind trying to figure out where that book went. And the husband thing, well, someone mentioned somewhere about the possibility of polygamy in heaven and well, I am just not sure that I would be the ideal sister wife type.

Anyway, the main focus today is kids. Some moms come to church with their newborn and pass the poor little thing around like the Relief Society clipboard. Seriously I have seen this happen! I on the other hand am well known for hovering like a rabid bear and nearly growling at those who come too near my infants. That does tend to wear off a little as they grow, but still I know I register far to the protective end of the parenting spectrum. This is in part due to my natural paranoia, which is totally justified if you watch the news today, and partly due to what I believe to my divinely given parental duties. I figure if Heavenly Father gave these particular spirits to me to watch over, then I am going to do my best to see that they come to the least harm humanly possible. At least I am not crazy enough to lock them in the house and cut them off from reality. Though it is tempting on occasion just to satiate my sanity . . .

Back on topic. So I most often say no when people ask or offer to hold my babies with the exception of certain individuals who have earned my trust. This is an unexpected response for most, but that's not my problem. So now we have Eliza. Most of the rest of my kids have been fairly stranger shy, and tended to stick close to home as it were, she is less shy, about a lot of things. She is more willing to just walk up to someone and sometimes climb into their lap if she feels so inclined. She actually pulled this particular stunt one afternoon at Anya's piano lesson. The man was a complete stranger, I had never seen him before in my life. He and his wife were waiting for their child to complete his/her lesson and to pass the time he was playing a game on his phone. Eliza decided she wanted the phone, so she turned on the dimples walked over to him and leaning into his lap began jabbering and pointing at his phone. The man nicely chuckled and thankfully did not give the little stinker what she wanted. After all she chews on everything! That's just Eliza. After that I was not all that surprised when she wandered across the aisle during Sacrament Meeting this morning and snuggled with an older gentleman in our ward. I don't know him well, but I do know that he has Alzheimer's, and lots of great-grand kids of his own, many of whom are in our ward. One of his children was sitting in front of us and when he saw Eliza sitting with his father and snuggling in her sweet way whispered to me, "Thank you so much. That will just make his day."

This is not the first time that I have realized over my well numbered child bearing years that I have more to share than I usually think about. I tend to worry that my child could be annoying to someone, or focus on how it's my child and therefore my responsibility, but on the occasions when I have a chance to let go of my precious little one and share them with someone, I need to take the opportunity. Letting someone hold my baby is a true sacrifice for me which is why the Lord has spent the last ten years teaching me this lesson.

I could tell by the older brother's smile that he loved holding her. Since she is my youngest and growing up way to fast, I am realizing how soon I might be the one missing sorely the days of a little one in my arms and maybe if I share now, then the Lord will bless some future young mother with the wisdom that I have been given. The wisdom of Sharing.

Broken

I read "The Forgotten Garden" for book club last month. In summary it did not appeal to me, but one reason I am in this club is to expand my reading horizons, so I read it. Ever since then I have been trying to figure out exactly why I dislike the book. It was intriguing, well written, with deep characters. Today it came to me, this book is broken.

Just for background, there are 4 types of stories, according to Dr. DeMille.

1. Bent

2. Broken

3. Whole

4. Healing

Bent stories portray evil as good and good as evil, so basically these are never a good choice. Broken stories portray evil as evil and good as good, but evil wins. Whole stories are portrayed as good is good, evil is evil and good wins. While Healing stories can be either Whole or Broken, but what defines them is how they change the reader.

So as far as I am concerned "The Forgotten Garden" is Broken. This realization is a great relief to me for a few reasons. One I have a few good friends who love this book and usually our reading interests agree, so it's nice to know why I don't like this book and I am eager to see if my friends feel that my assessment is correct. The other reason is that this book got to be so depressing that I finished it faster than I would normally have just so I could get it over with. On the up side at least it was written well enough that it was easy to read.

My personal inclinations lean toward reading books that have some strife, but overall things end well. While the very end had a hope for the future, for all but one of the main characters there was only sorrow, or worse. I figure that life and reality is depressing enough that I don't want to spend my free fun time being depressed. So let's see if I can summarize the basics of how the main players, and thus the overall story, are Broken. (I am going to go into details that will ruin the book if you have not read it, in essence: Spoiler Alert!)

Cassandra is easily the least messed up character which is good since she is the one living in our current time and therefore would be the ideal character to relate to on a superficial level. She suffered from an selfish mother, but that seems to have been at least partly set off by the subtle love of the Grandmother who raised her. Cassandra also has the ghost of her deceased husband and young son figuratively haunting her as she struggles to forgive herself for their deaths, which by the way were not her fault, accidents happen.

Nell, Cassandra's grandmother, was found alone at age 4 on a dock in Australia with no clues as to who she was, where she came from, or even her real name. She learns of her adoption at age 21 and follows that knowledge with a complete destruction of her personal life pushing away anyone she ever felt anything for while completely shutting herself off from the world. Unhappy is a serious understatement. Near the end of her life, she begins to piece together the puzzle of where she came from, but never finds the entire truth before passing away. Seriously?

Eliza is in fact Nell's biological mother, who comes from a distressing past. Her mother in fact ran off from her wealthy home to marry a sailor, and escape her brother who clearly had incestuous feelings for her. Eliza has a twin brother who meets an accidental death around age twelve, a while after her mother has died from illness. I suppose she deals with things fairly well on some level, but attaches herself to her cousin so deeply that she is willing to do anything for her and I mean anything. Even to the point of being a surrogate and conceiving a child with her cousin's husband. Then willingly gives this child (Nell) to her cousin to raise as her own.

Now add to all this Eliza's uncle (Linus), who views his sister, niece and eventually grandniece/granddaughter inappropriately, a doctor who with Linus destroyed a young woman's chances of motherhood by performing an absurdly unnecessary medical x-ray, and various other minor players many of whom are just as goofed up. Eliza ends up dead and buried with no grave marker, while the rest of the unhappies whittle away their time being consumed with themselves.

In the end Cassandra learns the truth and discovers a hope for a new future. So I am a little torn, being that I am glad that she has new hope that she would not have found without this journey being taken, but with the sordidness of her ancestry, I have to wonder if some things are better left buried? If my history had even a tenth of the drama of hers, would I want to know? Or would it be better to forge ahead regardless of the past?

I suppose this is why it is good to read some Broken books on occasion, it sure does get you thinking.

Pages

I very thoroughly enjoy The Office. David and I watched all the previous seasons on Netflix to get caught up before the new season started last fall. It's just really funny. Now, to switch tracks a little, I was reading in Alma 5, when Alma hands the judgement seat over so he can preach full time. I don't know that there was a particular verse or not, but the whole feeling reminded me of this clip of The Office:

Ryan: OK, what's up?

Michael: Yeah, kay. I was just... After the presentation, just wanted to make sure, that vis-a-vie, that everything in the office is business as usual?

Ryan: Well it is business, but not as usual.

Michael: Yeah, I know I understand... we're making great strides and we're updating, but business as usual, no?

Ryan: No. [shaking head] We're throwing out the entire playbook, we're starting from scratch, we're implementing a brand new system.

Michael: Good, so, we're on the same page?

Ryan: No. We're not. Michael, I know exactly how much time and man power are wasted in this branch. This company is getting younger, faster, more efficient. You need to prepare yourself.

If you are all familiar with the show, you know this is very typical Michael. His character is just one of those people who exists in a world different from most people. I wondered while reading Alma speak to his people if we(the general people) are ever Michael to Heavenly Father's Ryan. How often does our Father in Heaven explain it over and over again, all through the scriptures and then over and over through his chosen prophets and apostles? How often are we "not on the same page" but like to pretend like we think we are?

I read the Book of Mormon everyday, I say my prayers and I honestly try to be the best everything I can be, but I still struggle. I doubt and I question. I wonder why me, even though I know I am really not supposed to wonder that. I ask Heavenly Father why I have to get sick right now, again, with everything else that is going on in my life. I ask for a blessing, just knowing that this will be the time that I will get to experience that nearly instantaneous healing relief. But it doesn't happen, and then the next day I read a conference talk that actually says:

Trust in God and in His willingness to provide help when needed, no matter how challenging the circumstance.

and then

With even your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you, when it will yield the greatest advantage.

It felt very much like I was being Michael. My Father in Heaven was telling me again what He has told me so many times before, but I still wasn't getting it. I still struggle with accepting the Lord's Will in all things. Ah well, I suppose that is why we have the scriptures and Conference talks, we really do need to be reminded again and again, so that we can get on the same page with the Lord.