Sunday, August 29, 2010

Jimmy Eat World

I heard a song by Jimmy Eat World last night on the radio. It was shockingly late for me to be out and about the town. I was having a Girls Night Out orchestrated by a friend of mine. It was simple, and lots of fun, just some girls having dinner.

This is a frighteningly new experience for me.

It was fun and at the same time soo hard. I worried about whether or not I was overdressed, Was a repeating things they had already heard?, Was I really boring and not fun to be around? Was David okay at home with the kids? Was this really relaxing?

Yes and No.

For some people socializing is like breathing. They naturally care about other people and feel rejuvenated by social interaction. I am the opposite. It drains me and I get to a point where I know there are people talking, but it all turns into a senseless buzzing in my ears. That's when I know I am getting tired and ready to go. Does this mean I should stop socializing? I think not. There are several reasons for this, not the least of which is the fact that I want my children to become normal and well socialized adults, which I believe will be precipitated by my setting a good example of how to be social. So I will continue to socialize, because even though it drains me, I do enjoy the sisterhood that results from getting to know other women.

Now that I am completely off track, I had no intention of posting on the strange inner workings of my mind (only on the intellectual sounding ones), so I will continue. So I heard this song, on the way home and after some personal struggles that I have had lately, it really hit home for me.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine,
everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

Clearly this isn't the whole song, but you get the idea. So I thought to myself while listening and driving at 10:30pm, He's right! It is just in my head and somehow everything will turn out alright. A lot of what I worry about is just in my head. That doesn't make it any less real for me, but it is usually not as serious or horrible as I imagine it to be. And it is really freeing to just be myself. Even more so since I have only recently managed to begin finding out just who I am. I'm nearing thirty and I don't really know myself yet.

The biggest truth that I discovered during this late night drive, is that I only have to be good enough for one person. Obvious though it may be, I will specify just so there is no confusion. I have to be good enough for my Father in Heaven. I don't have to meet anyone else's expectations, which is really perfect since He is the only one who knows ME. He expects of me exactly what I am capable of doing. Usually I need divine assistance to find out just how much I am capable of . . . but it is never more than what I can do (with divine help).

Well this was a very long way to say I heard a good song last night, after a fun time with friends, that uplifted my spirit. Ahh, Simplicity!