Life is Difficult

That is the very beginning of A Road Less Traveled, by M. Scott Peck. I think he borrowed it from Buddha or Confucius, I can't recall which (I started the book awhile ago). For some reason I have spent a great deal of my life being very, very negative. Looking back I am amazed that I managed to get David to marry me. I know the Lord had it planned and that's probably why it all happened the way that it did. Still, even up until recently I spent a good deal of my time in a bad mood about this, that or the other thing. It was either the kids, or David, or church, or just about anything I could blame for my unhappiness. I was never silly enough to say "well, if this was just different . . " But deep down, I think that was what I was thinking. That somehow, if or when something changed I would be happier, life would be easier, I would be able to handle it.

That's not how it works. I have been waiting for a turning point for a few years. I knew someday something would happen that would change me, for the better. Things have been leading up to it for sometime. One day in December (I don't recall which one because my medication really does mess with my head) I decided I was interested in reading A Road Less Traveled. I had read a lot of excerpts of Peck's work in a college english class and I picked up the book from a library freebie table a few years back. I always meant to read, but had yet to actually get to it.

For some reason reading the first chapter of the book beginning with Life is Difficult has changed me. I guess that is what great books are meant to do, change us, make us better. This is what I learned.

Life is hard. It always has been and it always will be. That is the way it was meant to be. With that knowledge we are all given two choices. We can choose to be happy, or not. I used to choose not. I realized that I didn't have to spend my life being unpleasant and yelling at my kids. I could enjoy my life. I could enjoy my family. I could let annoying drivers, obnoxious church members and other pesky things just roll off my back. I needed to stop carrying everyone else's problems. I am not sure exactly how I figured this all out, but it must have happened on a very deep level, because I haven't slipped back. Just so be clear I am not Mary Sunshine or anything, but I feel better inside. My heart is not so heavy as it once was. I am scratching the tip of the tip of the iceberg of learning how to lay my burdens at the feet of the Savior. He already suffered for all of this. Every bad day, every cross word, every hurt feeling has been felt. Why prolong the pain?

It would be like going to the grocery store every week and paying for a gallon of milk that someone already drank and refusing to acknowledge that the milk is gone. It's gone, let it go!

I still get mad sometimes, like when I rush my dear Luke (15 months) out of Sacrament meeting, walk down the hall and listen to him scream for 10 minutes straight. Yeah, that was rather annoying to say the least. Six months ago that would have ruined my day. I would have been crabby and snappy, and for what? For fear of annoying/offending other members? Out of frustration at not being able to control my child? There would be no point to being angry about something I could not control. I did my best to quiet, calm and comfort him, but he wanted his father and as soon as he got him he was fine. Yes, I still get mad, but I am learning to let it go much faster.

I love feeling happier. I know that scriptures and prayer have a good deal to do with helping my mood and abilities, but with or without that it is still up to me to decide how I will react, what I will feel. We have the ability to decide how we will feel and how we will react. It's hard, very, very hard, but anything really worth doing is most likely going to be hard to do.

So life is hard, but I wouldn't want it any other way.